Well, I've decided to blog. I'm not sure how well this is going to work because I am not an eloquent writer. I journal and write papers. That is the extent of my authorship. So, this is going to be an adventure.
College has done weird things to my heart. It took everything that I thought I knew about myself, everything I had spent the last 18 years learning, changing, and finally understanding, and squished it. Just flat out squished it.
I live less than 40 minuets away from home, I see a few familiar faces, and yet I still feel as if I am starting a whole new life. People here don't know my heart. They don't know what makes me tick. They don't know why I am the way I am and they don't know where I come from.
College is change, I hate change. College is vulnerability, I'm not good at being vulnerable. College is the start of life on my own, and the realization that I don't know the whole plan. College is a gateway to the endless possibilities of the world therefore it is consistently overwhelming. There is always homework to do, events to attend, people to hang out with, tests to pass, projects to do, and sleep to be forgotten about. College is absolutely nothing like I thought it would be. College is weird. College is challenging. College is culturing. College is always interesting. College is just freaking hard.
But, it is here, in this new world, this new realm of life, that I have begun to truly understand the beauty of Christ. Nine times out of ten I feel like it is just me and Jesus. It is easy to feel lonely in a place where no one truly knows you. It's easy to loose yourself in a place where everyone else is trying so desperately to find themselves.
But isn't that the point? To loose ourselves so we can find ourselves in Jesus and fall whole heartily in love, in sync, and in step with Him.
The drives back to campus from weekend visits to the fam usually include two things: a Sonic drink, I am my mothers child, and thinking, no music, no podcast, no NPR, just silence. College is, as I have already well established, busy, thus noisy. It is near impossible to find space for just yourself. If you do find that space then comes the thinking. College has made it near impossible for me to know what I'm feeling. Emotions use to be second nature. I had mine under control, I could articulate exactly what I was feeling, and most importantly I had a vague idea of what was going on in my heart and why. Well, let me tell ya, in College not only is there no time to think or a place to do it. Half the time I have no earthly idea what I actually think about things which makes thinking slightly frustrating.
But this is what is so beautiful about college. Because I don't know what I am feeling, what I am thinking, and what the heck I am doing, I get to trust Jesus. I get to let go, which is hard for me, and rest in the peace that he has a plan. I get to experience Jesus as more than just my savior. I get to experience him as a friend, as my sustenance, as my guide, and my father, as my instructor, and as my source of truth.
We have all heard that Jesus is the only consistent thing in one's life. But the reality of such a phrase doesn't set in until everything you have grown up with, all that you have instilled in your being, all that you defined yourself by, is striped from you. And when that reality sets in, it is hard. It is crazy hard. But it is beautiful.
Beautiful because it is just you and Jesus. Beautiful because you realize that Jesus is all you need. Beautiful because you begin to truly experience what falling in love with your Savior is all about.
I'm falling in love and it is nothing like I expected, it isn't easy, it isn't smooth sailing, it isn't consistent, it isn't effortless. But it is worth it. It is the best thing that has ever happened to me. It is me and Jesus. Just as it should be.
